What you missed out on

Posted: March 29, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

   Hey everyone, I appreciate you taking the time to click over and take a peek at what I’ve got goin on over here.  This is still pretty fresh, and I’m still in the crawling stages of this whole blogging thing, so you’ll have to bear with me and my growing pains.  Before I go any further, I need to send a big thank you to J$ and his pushing me and giving the platform that has afforded me to give the everyone some insight to the mysterious and somewhat unknown world of bouncing.  Thanks J! You’re the man brotha!

 As I pointed out a few times in my post, the world bouncing can touch any and every emotion and situation that’s known to man.  So as a lot of you can imagine, I most certainly touched on a few personal experiences that were a bit too intense (and graphic)  for Budgets are Sexy….So the question is, while you read were any of you wondering what the most strange and/or off the wall crazy situation was that I had been a part of? 

Well….the following are a few clips for the original post I sent to J which will hopefully display some of the sheer insanity that myself (along with fellow bouncers) put up with and are exposed to on a weekly basis.  (WARNING!!!!!! There is explicit content and language, if that’s not your thing, then click away NOW!!!!!) 

In regards to night to night bouncerly duties and general demeanor….

 “……..if someone doesn’t look anything like the picture on their ID, that’s when you are able question, or ask them to recite information on the card.   Some states use very dated pictures on ID cards and licenses, and people’s looks do change over time, so if they don’t look anything like the picture, and aren’t able to accurately give the info listed on the card, I generally deny them entry to the bar.  Depending on how crabby I am that night, I may or may not take the card and turn it over to my manager at the end of the night.” 


 “…..I can’t deny that there is a time and place for anger and throwing a good beat down on someone or roughing them up a little bit (ask the guy who’s elbow I dislocated with an arm lock after he tried to tackle me, or the people who I’ve choked unconscious) Don’t get me wrong, you really don’t have to take shit from anyone, and if they bother you that much…throw their ass out……. as a rule of thumb, flying off the handle at the slightest infraction of the rules will create more serious problems for all those involved.  The bar I work at right now is involved in a law suit with a patron who was severely beaten by a former bouncer.  Both the bouncer and establishment are being sued for about a quarter million dollars apiece.   Despite the common conception of bouncers being thuggish brutes who react violently to all situations (which can be true in some of cases); the calm, collected and steady demeanor that I’ve spoken about is more beneficial in the long run than a short fuse. “

  Ok, so you’re probably wondering at this point where the craziness and outrageous situations are…..keep readin folks ; )

” On-the-Job Electro-Shock Therapy

There was a situation not too long ago where I turned away a guy who had a suspect ID, expired by about 2 years, and it looked nothing like the current driver’s licenses that the state of New York currently hands out.  His story for this was that he went to college at university in very close by the bar.  The ID and story didn’t add up, so I turned him away at the door.  He refused to leave, and after about 15 minutes of debate I escorted him out the door.  He held on to me as we went out the exit and once we were on the sidewalk he “engaged” with me.  I was able to keep him at bay by putting a hand around his throat, and choking him.  He pulled a taser out of his front pocket and shoved it into my ribs.  If you’ve ever been shocked by an unground outlet, you know how a it feels.  I didn’t black out or pass out when the taser hit me, I backed up to create space between us.  I immediately locked eyes with him and then quickly grabbed the bar stool I was sitting on to clock him one in the head to return the favor. He ran up the street and out of sight.  (Resourcefulness is yet another hallmark of a good bouncer.)

While I would’ve loved to have introduce him to the local police department, we didn’t see him again for the rest of the night.  I filed a report and even got a nice write-up in the local paper for my trouble. (The article is laminated and hanging on fridge – a bouncer’s badge of courage!)”

“…….Any time you work a bouncing shift, it literally can be Murphy’s law brought to life, meaning that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong………… if you haven’t been able to tell yet, there are some very unexpected situations that will come about in this line of work.  Things can be fine for hours or even multiple shifts on end, and then some of the most random things can pop up form nowhere.  Even the best of bouncers with the most attuned skills for crowd and people reading can’t sense these events……….Halloween or St. Patty’s Day are a catalyst for these types of events.  All the weirdoes and social retards come out of their holes for the day.  I can remember a particular such event that happened to me a few Halloweens ago.  I was working at a corner bar, a small a quiet place in my old neighborhood.  I happened to be sitting at table located close to the front door, eating my dinner when a woman (who had no noticeable costume on) strolled by my and stopped a few steps away.  She muttered some type of drunken nonsense took some fries off my plate and began to stroke this dildo she had attached to a strap on which apparently was her costume.  About an hour later, she was dancing on top of a table.  As part of my bouncerly duties, I had to get the fat ass down before she broke the table and injured herself.  After I got her down, she told me I was no fun, and used the big floppy dildo to smack me in the arm…repeatedly.  She even went as far as attempting to smack me on the ass with it.  However I didn’t stand my ground in the situation and retreated to the kitchen to hide for a few minutes.  I can’t say that was the only time I had some unexpected situations come about.  I remember a time a few years ago when I had to break up two German nationals having sex in a far off corner of one of the bar I work at.  Talk about awkward! “

“….the stupid girl was so drunk she charged at one of the bartenders who was sweeping up, and this was even after we allowed her and extra 20 mins to finish her beer.  I grabbed her and carried her in a bear hug out there door and set her down on both feet on the sidewalk.  As soon as I set her down she turned around, grabbed me by the collar and attempted to claw my face off.  I grabbed her hand, twisted her arm behind her and shoved her into the nearest wall……..after I released her, she came at me again, and her friends managed to pull her away……tried to go back inside, but the door had locked behind me!  She escaped from her friends and came at me a 3rd time.  At this point I took her to the ground and kept her there until she gave up her efforts to escape…….while she was still standing there a local cop happened to be driving by…….he gave her a stern talking to (and honestly wanted to arrest her for assault on both me and the bartender, but we talked him out of it) …and that was the first time I was assaulted by a women…..”

  Haha, every word is true! Can’t make up crap like that!  I will admit that if I ever see the kid tazered me again, I’ll most likely knock his teeth right out of his mouth without thinking twice about it. 

 “I don’t believe in and eye for an eye…I believe in an eye for 2 eyes!”- Bas Rutten 

  Alright everyone, that’s all your getting for now.  Please if you like what you’ve read drop me some love and leave a comment, or follow my blog.  Even if you hate it, please let me know why it doesn’t work for you…… your opinion is still valued (although not as much haha)  I fully plan on keeping up with this and if anyone has suggestions for future posts, or some type of topic they want to know about, hit me up!


Behave and be good….errrrrr scratch that, keep drinking you fools, you’re keeping  me employed! Haha

Tip your bartenders and waitresses ; )


  1. Victoria says:

    Just wanted to drop by and say hello! Loved your post over at J$’s…as a former waitress I know (about half) of your pain! 🙂 Your stories are good! Keep it up!

    • Thanks Victoria I appreciate the kind words. It’s funny because I shared this with some close friends before it was released and they legitimatly thought I fabricated these stories….if you throw a few rounds in on any given night, and things get crazy fast. Thanks again and hope you continue to follow : )

  2. Tim says:

    I love your writing style. I found it very entertaining. I also like that your posts are nice and long. I really enjoyed reading your blog. Your articles could use a second pair of eyes before you post them to help catch typos. The article over at J$’s site seems more polished than these. Even without an editor, I look forward to seeing more posts here. This is fantastic stuff. Thanks for sharing.

    • Tim, I appreciate the feedback my friend. Most of the time when I post I’m half asleep because things are still fresh in my mind from the weekly encounters I have with people when I work. The article over at J$’s took me a few months to put together, so admittedly there was a longer proof-reading process. Going forward I will be a little more careful with spelling. Have a great weekend sir.

      • Tim says:

        Forget my comment. Post while it’s still fresh. An editor can clean up the typos when you turn these stories into a book. 😉

  3. Rosie says:

    Found your blog through J $’s blog, and I’m digging it! Look forward to reading about all the crazy shenanigans (sp?) that you see…. you could turn it into a memoir… that seems like the thing to do these days 🙂

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