Archive for March, 2012

In case you missed it…..

Posted: March 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

Check out the article everyone!


Let me know some thoughts! : )




   Hey everyone, I appreciate you taking the time to click over and take a peek at what I’ve got goin on over here.  This is still pretty fresh, and I’m still in the crawling stages of this whole blogging thing, so you’ll have to bear with me and my growing pains.  Before I go any further, I need to send a big thank you to J$ and his pushing me and giving the platform that has afforded me to give the everyone some insight to the mysterious and somewhat unknown world of bouncing.  Thanks J! You’re the man brotha!

 As I pointed out a few times in my post, the world bouncing can touch any and every emotion and situation that’s known to man.  So as a lot of you can imagine, I most certainly touched on a few personal experiences that were a bit too intense (and graphic)  for Budgets are Sexy….So the question is, while you read were any of you wondering what the most strange and/or off the wall crazy situation was that I had been a part of? 

Well….the following are a few clips for the original post I sent to J which will hopefully display some of the sheer insanity that myself (along with fellow bouncers) put up with and are exposed to on a weekly basis.  (WARNING!!!!!! There is explicit content and language, if that’s not your thing, then click away NOW!!!!!) 

In regards to night to night bouncerly duties and general demeanor….

 “……..if someone doesn’t look anything like the picture on their ID, that’s when you are able question, or ask them to recite information on the card.   Some states use very dated pictures on ID cards and licenses, and people’s looks do change over time, so if they don’t look anything like the picture, and aren’t able to accurately give the info listed on the card, I generally deny them entry to the bar.  Depending on how crabby I am that night, I may or may not take the card and turn it over to my manager at the end of the night.” 


 “…..I can’t deny that there is a time and place for anger and throwing a good beat down on someone or roughing them up a little bit (ask the guy who’s elbow I dislocated with an arm lock after he tried to tackle me, or the people who I’ve choked unconscious) Don’t get me wrong, you really don’t have to take shit from anyone, and if they bother you that much…throw their ass out……. as a rule of thumb, flying off the handle at the slightest infraction of the rules will create more serious problems for all those involved.  The bar I work at right now is involved in a law suit with a patron who was severely beaten by a former bouncer.  Both the bouncer and establishment are being sued for about a quarter million dollars apiece.   Despite the common conception of bouncers being thuggish brutes who react violently to all situations (which can be true in some of cases); the calm, collected and steady demeanor that I’ve spoken about is more beneficial in the long run than a short fuse. “

  Ok, so you’re probably wondering at this point where the craziness and outrageous situations are…..keep readin folks ; )

” On-the-Job Electro-Shock Therapy

There was a situation not too long ago where I turned away a guy who had a suspect ID, expired by about 2 years, and it looked nothing like the current driver’s licenses that the state of New York currently hands out.  His story for this was that he went to college at university in very close by the bar.  The ID and story didn’t add up, so I turned him away at the door.  He refused to leave, and after about 15 minutes of debate I escorted him out the door.  He held on to me as we went out the exit and once we were on the sidewalk he “engaged” with me.  I was able to keep him at bay by putting a hand around his throat, and choking him.  He pulled a taser out of his front pocket and shoved it into my ribs.  If you’ve ever been shocked by an unground outlet, you know how a it feels.  I didn’t black out or pass out when the taser hit me, I backed up to create space between us.  I immediately locked eyes with him and then quickly grabbed the bar stool I was sitting on to clock him one in the head to return the favor. He ran up the street and out of sight.  (Resourcefulness is yet another hallmark of a good bouncer.)

While I would’ve loved to have introduce him to the local police department, we didn’t see him again for the rest of the night.  I filed a report and even got a nice write-up in the local paper for my trouble. (The article is laminated and hanging on fridge – a bouncer’s badge of courage!)”

“…….Any time you work a bouncing shift, it literally can be Murphy’s law brought to life, meaning that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong………… if you haven’t been able to tell yet, there are some very unexpected situations that will come about in this line of work.  Things can be fine for hours or even multiple shifts on end, and then some of the most random things can pop up form nowhere.  Even the best of bouncers with the most attuned skills for crowd and people reading can’t sense these events……….Halloween or St. Patty’s Day are a catalyst for these types of events.  All the weirdoes and social retards come out of their holes for the day.  I can remember a particular such event that happened to me a few Halloweens ago.  I was working at a corner bar, a small a quiet place in my old neighborhood.  I happened to be sitting at table located close to the front door, eating my dinner when a woman (who had no noticeable costume on) strolled by my and stopped a few steps away.  She muttered some type of drunken nonsense took some fries off my plate and began to stroke this dildo she had attached to a strap on which apparently was her costume.  About an hour later, she was dancing on top of a table.  As part of my bouncerly duties, I had to get the fat ass down before she broke the table and injured herself.  After I got her down, she told me I was no fun, and used the big floppy dildo to smack me in the arm…repeatedly.  She even went as far as attempting to smack me on the ass with it.  However I didn’t stand my ground in the situation and retreated to the kitchen to hide for a few minutes.  I can’t say that was the only time I had some unexpected situations come about.  I remember a time a few years ago when I had to break up two German nationals having sex in a far off corner of one of the bar I work at.  Talk about awkward! “

“….the stupid girl was so drunk she charged at one of the bartenders who was sweeping up, and this was even after we allowed her and extra 20 mins to finish her beer.  I grabbed her and carried her in a bear hug out there door and set her down on both feet on the sidewalk.  As soon as I set her down she turned around, grabbed me by the collar and attempted to claw my face off.  I grabbed her hand, twisted her arm behind her and shoved her into the nearest wall……..after I released her, she came at me again, and her friends managed to pull her away……tried to go back inside, but the door had locked behind me!  She escaped from her friends and came at me a 3rd time.  At this point I took her to the ground and kept her there until she gave up her efforts to escape…….while she was still standing there a local cop happened to be driving by…….he gave her a stern talking to (and honestly wanted to arrest her for assault on both me and the bartender, but we talked him out of it) …and that was the first time I was assaulted by a women…..”

  Haha, every word is true! Can’t make up crap like that!  I will admit that if I ever see the kid tazered me again, I’ll most likely knock his teeth right out of his mouth without thinking twice about it. 

 “I don’t believe in and eye for an eye…I believe in an eye for 2 eyes!”- Bas Rutten 

  Alright everyone, that’s all your getting for now.  Please if you like what you’ve read drop me some love and leave a comment, or follow my blog.  Even if you hate it, please let me know why it doesn’t work for you…… your opinion is still valued (although not as much haha)  I fully plan on keeping up with this and if anyone has suggestions for future posts, or some type of topic they want to know about, hit me up!

Behave and be good….errrrrr scratch that, keep drinking you fools, you’re keeping  me employed! Haha

Tip your bartenders and waitresses ; )


  For those of you that are keeping tabs, St.Patrick’s day has come and gone and I’m still here posting, so I’m not dead or injured or in jail : )   It tends to be one of the biggest and most raucous drinking holidays in Cleveland area for some reason.  So this year was a totally different animal than in years past when I’ve worked.  The holiday itself fell on a Saturday, we were in the middle a of streak of 80 degree days, which is unheard of this time of year in Ohio and to rub a little salt in the wound, the place I’m working at has a huge outdoor patio! 

  Downtown Cleveland has on eof the largest St. Patrick’s Day parade in the US and in normal weather it usually brings between 300 to 400k into the city itself.  With the weather being out of this world I heard reports that it was closer to a million people this year, but who the hell knows?  lol

  The managers requested that I come in and work an extra 3 hrs that day, which I happily did.  From 6 until about 9 or 9:30, I literally walked in circles and watched everyone enjoy themselves.  It was pretty boring, but I was getting paid, so I can’t complain.  Finally around 9 my fellow bouncers and i were released to start checking ID’s at the doors.

  Within about 30 mins of starting to check ID’s, there was a young gentleman
(who we’ll call Bob)   who decided he wanted to pull his pants down and show everyone in the bar his underpants.  Being that he was only about 8 feet away from me and that it was a holiday, I decided to show a little mercy & give him a verbal warning rather than throw him out.  Of course it turned into something larger because he was intoxicted.  Bob wanted to know my name, and I told him “It’s none of your fucking business”  Being the slick guy that he was he must have asked one of my coworkers and found out…….about every 15 minutes from there on out I heard him drunkenly screaming my name “Ryan!” As you can imagine it starts to wear on someone’s nerves after while.   

  As time passed, the mood and the level of intoxication of the bar patrons seemingly escalated.  About 11 o’clock the bar was a total shit show.  From people throwin up in trash cans, to people making out inappropriately throughout the bar.  During the time between my intial run in with Bob and 11 I noticed he had started to harass the table of people seated next to him.  I could tell that he was making them uncomfortable because of their body language.  They would pull away when he leaned inappropriatly close and they had a cold reception to him as he was making his way around the table .  So I went over and I asked the table if he was bothering them….the answer was a resounding yes! I gave Bob a pretty good toungue lashing and told him if he didn’t get his shit together than his night there was going to be over. 

  So between the time duriung  11 and midnight I listened to Bob harrassingly scream my name and slowly dig his own grave.  A very sweet young lady he was with pulled me aside and forewarned me that he said he ws going to do something stupid when he was leaving.  Like a lion in the weeds watching a gazelle….I quietly and calmly laid back and waited for him to make his move.

  Finally,  jsut as I finished a carding a group of new patrons, I heard him scream my name again.  “Ryan!”  he exclaimed, followed by “Fuck you pussy!”  As I turned and looked at him he was about 10 feet from me flipping me off.  At that point I stood up and took him by the collar and belt and threw him out onto the sidewalk like a sack trash : ).  Good night Bob, thanks for stopping by.  So as you can see, there is some amount of tolerance for BS and patients needed to perform the job.  However, when you decided to poke at someone for several hours on end, you may not like the results. 

  After the incident with Bob, about 45 minutes later I was called to back alleyway where all emplyees park.  All I was told was that one of the cooks was having an issue.  When I first go to the back alley, the cook was on the phone and I didn’t see anyone else back there, which struck me as pretty odd. 

  So he broke off his phone call with the local police dept to inform me that some drunk patron from the bar was passed out and sleeping in his back seat.  Now I’ve seen some random shit happen in my day, but this was pretty odd.  I walked over to the car, and sure enough there was some idiot back there sleeping.  At the cooks request I roused the moron to wake him up, pulled him out of the backseat and made sure that he didnt go anywhere until the police arrived.    So in the end the police called the kids parents (who live an hour away)  and had them pick him up. 

  I’ve tied a few good ones on in my day and done some pretty dumb shit while under the influence, but nothing of this nature.   Has anyone ever been so intoxicated they do something similar? 

  Well thats all I have for tonight.  If you have any topics your curious about as far as bouncing or want to read about anything specific, hit me up,  Ryan @  Keep on drinking you fools, you’re keep me employed! ; )


Mad Dog????? No Dawg!

Posted: March 13, 2012 in Uncategorized

Has anyone reading this ever attempted to walk into a bar with alchol concealed on their person somewhere?  How about ever tried to enter a bar when your so intoxicated you can’t stand up straight or even find your ID to show proof age? 

  Well i have to say that working as a bouncer for the past 5 years, this is something I see practically every weekend, and generally these are the situations where people ending up biting off more than they chew.  Or they get a case of beer muscles and try to unecessarily start an issue with a bouncer becuase they don’t understand why they’re denied entrance. 

  Considering we’re gearing for a a big midwestern holiday this coming weekend (St. Patty’s Day) I was expecting this past Saturday to be a pretty slow and relatively uneventful night.  For the most part it was, up until about 1:20, when a group of gentlemen attempted to enter the bar and I immediatly knew they would be an issue. They stood outside the front entrance for approximatly 20 minsutes prior to entering and the first one who came in had a backpack on.  This is a big no no in our establishment, so I immediatly told him to lose it, leave it up front, or leave.  He chose to leave….

  The second guy entered, and to put it bluntly, he was so fucked up he barely stand.  So upon making this obswervation very quickley, I started to bust his balls and question him.  “What do you need?” I asked.  To which he replied in a drunken slur that he was there to pick up his cousin Kevin who was working in the kitchen.  Strike one…no Kevin in the Kitchen or that even works there for that matter.  His friend with the backpack then came in and attempted to coax him to leave.  I could feel my blood pressure going up at this point. 

As we bantered back and forth about no Kevin being there I was looking him up and down to make sure he wasn’t armed.  As I did this I couldn’t happen but notice the 20 oz bottle of Mad Dog this upstanding fella had clumbsily stuffed in his front pocket.  At that point my tone became harder and I became a little more stern.  I think I used every “bouncerism” in the book to tell him to leave.  “Time to go”,  “Get the fuck out”  etc, but he wasn’t getting the point and continuing to shug off his friends. 

  At this point the guy tells me that the guys he had been chatting with (and I later observed him walking away with)  were attempting to rob him.  I called BS on that immediatly and at this point I began to (gently) push him towards the door.  It got to a point where I just besr hugged him from behind and walked him out the door.

  Even though he wore on my last nerve it certainly wasn’t the meanest or most explosive way I’ve ever tossed someone, but the robbery allegations and poorly concealed liquor still made it worth noting : ).  Anyway until next time guys.  I’m sure St. Patty’s Day and the 10 hr shift I’ll be working at the bar will bring some interesting stories ; )

Hit me up if you have questions or suggestions:

Livin the dream…..

Posted: March 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

Welcome everyone to another Saturday night of bouncing in the Greater Cleveland area.  I’ve been working in this area for about 5 years now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned that holds true no matter where you’re a bouncer at it’s that anything is possible.  I’m not the bouncer that beats the tar out of everyone for everything.  I try to give everyone a chance until they don’t merit having it any more.  I usually greet people with a smile on face and friendly hello. 

  Last Saturday literally nothing happened all night until after close.  One of the bartender cleaning the bathroom found a young gentleman passed out standing at the urinal.  Considering thie fella still had his weiner in his hand I was totally floored by this.  After we all had a good laugh about it, all I really had to was raise my voice and let himn know that we were closed, which prompted him to snap to, zip up and stumble his way out the door.

Alrighty folks, I need to put some pants and head to work.  I will be back to add more, hope you enjoyed reading and will come back to read the next one : ).  If you go out tonight, remember…..don’t piss off your local bouncers. 

If you have questions, please email me : ).  I’m always looking for more topics to blog about ; )